A day in the life....

I failed my class..did well on my final but not enough.

I have finals in the am...terrified shitless as usual...this time though I may have screwed myself..see I need 88 points...from 100. I have done so shitty this semester..well I have no idea whats going to happen which scares me more. If I fail I am out of the program...no second chances. Then Doug and I will be moving to the Jacksonville area...get out of south fl..slow down from the rat races. I will be taking my LPN test first so that I can at least have that...geesh I feel sick to my stomach and I dont think it was the Mexican food for dinner. I did have a great mojito tho..from Ole Ole..i say the raspberry ones are the best..but at 7 bux a piece...ey caramba. Any way...now I will lay down for a night of NO sleep and fear for my future.

Well I messed up bad on the test. I need so many points on my final I dont think I will be able to pull this one out of my ass like I usually do. I have checked into other options. I can try to be a transfer student at another college. I can take my LPN now and do a bridge program next year. I just feel awful. I cant even talk about it. I know I get scared around final time but usually the number I need isnt impossible. This seems impossible. I will know the exact number after friday's quiz. I am really hoping for a 10 on this quiz so I can have less for the final...who knows. Anyway. I will update more later...

H

test time again. i really need to do extra well cause I need so many points to pass. My stomach is a mess....ugh i hate to be so damn scared but its my future...AHHH

I have a test tomorrow..I have been so busy because my clinical teacher hates me and I had this paper do that I really did NOT have time to study. THis is so crazy I think I may really be losing my mind. This is so much stress...UGH. I need to do good on this test after how shitty I did on the last test...I am terrified this may be my last semester and I wont be graduating in Aug like I have planned...AHHHHHH off to study a bit more then bed...

I have a test Friday...I am so damn nervous..I hate tests. I am get scared to death about them. I have to get back to studying...ugh. I wish school was done already. I am so damn tired of doing this. Cant I just BE a nurse already instead of going to school..I guess not. Back to studying.

I passed my math test and got my graduation back on track yay me..lol

math test makeup time again. I get so scared cause everything rides on this damn test. It really scares me to the core. I failed the first one and only get this chance to make it up...AHHH I am so close and i dont want to screw it up. I am really freaking scared. I am a wreck!!

h

Leaving for upstate New York in a few hours. Im nervous about the flight. Well and maybe a lil about the trip. Im sure everything will be fine. I just never travel. Maybe I will like it and do it more often. Who knows. 6 fun filled days and 5 nights in the frozen tundra..lol Ill try to up date while I am there...But no one seems to have wireless internet. lol later h

ok I got 53 points I needed 52, one more class down and 3 more to go...the hard ones they say. LIke this shit has been easy or something..

Well whichever. Off to NY on Wednesday to freeze my NUTS off. Shoud be a good trip. Im a lil excited and a lil nervous. I am not crazy about planes. Oh well. Later

Ok my final in Ped's is tomorrow. I havnt done very well this semester...I am scared shitless. I really cant fuck up and I have been...UGH I really want this semester over and passed and done..but well who knows. I really am scared. I hate finals. OK back to studying...

h

UGH another test in the am that has me more scared than usual I didnt do so well on the last test. I need to do better on this test!! I am terrified that I could not pass this class. I have to figure out my points and see what I need..prolly more than I will get....UGH

ok I got a 57 out of 70 not terrible at least I passed. 82% so that is ok. I really need to get back on track and its hard cause I hate ped's. I really cant get into the material. I suppose I will have to force myself. Yay...

test time again...this time in pediatrics..I HATE ped's really I do. I am not big on kids in the first place and now I have to touch the crying snotty little things. Give me old people anytime and I am good...just not kids. I an really nervous about this damn test cause I am not strong in this area at all...I really need to study harder. I have been working at Browards ER lately I love it. I can not wait to be a nurse there..I am soooo excited so this means I must get through this damn class and pass it to move on to better things.

update more when I know it. Gnight
h

I passed my math the first time this time..woohoo I am glad that I didnt have to take it a second time. I can now focus on what needs to be done with school instead of dreading the next test.

I was wrong, my test is tomorrow at 8 am. That is good and bad. I have more time to study but I am exhausted..Oh well better study and be tired then rested and fail. SOOO another night of no sleep and terror..woo hoo.

UGH my vacation is over. I have class in the am and of course another damn math test. I really really hate these tests. I hate that you cant really miss any or you fail and you are out of the program. I get so damn scared of them. I am going to go to bed now practice more in the morning. Maybe get to school a lil early to go over it. UGH I tells ya...UGH

Tomorrow is the last day of the year. I will be glad to see 2006 come to a close. I am hoping for the best in 2007. I may sit down and do a year in review but I don’t think I want to depress my self of bore anyone like that. I have much to look forward to this year; I have graduation...the beginnings of a great relationship. I have my health, my passion, my love. I am thankful for everyday now. I am thankful for not wanting to kill my self everyday, for leaving behind the bad for the new and good, continuing my school. I suppose I will dwell on my future, look forward to almost being out of school and to starting my new career. 7 mos 6 days left till graduation. I will not dwell on the past and the negative. I will be starting a new job as an ER tech at Broward General its only 11 an hour per diem but hey its work and more than my 7 an hour at FAU. AHHHH *sigh*

Well its the morning before Christmas. I never know if I should be excited or not. This year because things are still new and up in the air...no gifts. I would love to exchange gifts. I am a big kid after all, but there is so much going on. His wife having gotten him fired, me not working much or making much of anything. I promised next year we would go all out. Maybe skiing/snow boarding up north with a room with a fire place. I have not been and he tells me its a blast.

7 mos 21 days left.

4 classes left. Pediatrics in next. I need to start my math review and reading. I have been on vacation long enough time to get back to the hell that is the rest of school. I sometimes wish I could fast forward my life till this date...or maybe a month passed the date..Just for a peak at it. What will it be like to make good money, move to another place, be a travel nurse...So many things I have no control over now that I have to wait for. If I do the travel nurse thing we can go just about anywhere and they give you a place to live. You make big money and bank it away. Try out new cities till I find the one I want to call home. I do like S Fl..but I want out. I want to go to a place that has something else to offer. We drove to the airport last night and watched the planes land and take off. We then went to the pier and sat in the sand watching the waves crash on the shore. It was a nice night. I just feel that I have nothing more to explore here. I want to go somewhere with rivers and streams, mountains even. Become more active. You know I can spend the entire day in my house and not leave. I don't even know where to go. I know I can go downtown and get shitty drunk but how long can you do that really. Its fun and all. I love the Poor House and all the people that go there. I just want a change. I need to leave the past here. The bad memories...so many of those. I know I will miss my friends. I never realize how many I have but when I sit and think about it..I know lots of people. I have roots here. I bet I do all this traveling go to all sorts of states and end my ass up back here. Its all I have know for the last 22 years of my life. March makes 23 I think. I was 11 when we moved here from Ohio. This year I will be 34...sounds about right. But I think I am still young enough to move to a new place. OK I think I will venture out of the house.

So many things lately are changing. I cant even keep up with them all. I have been happy lately. This doesnt come easy for me. Its like you hold on to the misery...its dark yet comforting like an old friend. Its not right yet when its what you know you tend to stick with it. I mentioned before I met this man, Doug. My fear of the unknown almost made me walk away...hell run. I didn't know how to handle it. He likes me back, he isn't playing games. He makes me laugh till my belly hurts...its strange really but oh so nice. He has met a few of my friends, and my family everyone loves him. But yet there is still fear, I have cried tears and felt pain for the assholes that have hurt and abused me...well I am just trying to enjoy this person for as long as we can. Taking it day by day.